Sunday
For my part, I knew it in vain, to expect to have Leave to go to Church now, and so I did not ask; and I was the more indifferent, because, if I might have had Permission, the Sight of the neighbouring Gentry, who had despis’d my Sufferings, would have given me great Regret and Sorrow, and it was impossible I should have edify’d under any Doctrine preached by Mr. Peters: So I apply’d myself to my private Devotions.
Mr. Williams came Yesterday, and this Day, as usual, and took my Letter; but having no good Opportunity, we avoided one another’s Conversation, and kept at a Distance: But I was concern’d I had not the Key; for I would not have lost a Moment in that Case, had it been me. When I was at my Devotions, Mrs. Jewkes came up, and wanted me sadly to sing her a Psalm, as she had often on common Days importun’d me for a Song upon the Spinnet; but I declin’d it, because my Spirits were so low, I could hardly speak, nor car’d to be spoke to; but when she was gone, I remembering the 137th Psalm to be a little touching, turn’d to it, and took the Liberty to alter it to my Case more; I hope I did not sin in it: But thus I turn’d it.
I.
When sad I sat in B——n–hall13,
All watched round about,
And thought of ev’ry absent Friend,
The Tears for Grief burst out.
II.
My Joys and Hopes all overthrown,
My Heart strings almost broke,
Unfit my Mind for Melody,
Much more to bear a Joke;
III.
Then she to whom I Prisoner was,
Said to me tauntingly,
Now chear your Heart, and sing a Song,
And tune your Mind to Joy.
IV.
Alas! said I, how can I frame
My heavy Heart to sing;
Or tune my Mind, while thus inthrall’d
By such a wicked Thing!
V.
But yet, if from my Innocence
I, ev’n in Thought, should slide,
Then let my Fingers quite forget
The sweet Spinnet to guide.
VI.
And let my Tongue within my Mouth
Be lock ’d for ever fast,
If I rejoice, before I see
My full Deliv’rance past.
VII.
And thou, Almighty, recompence
The Evils I endure,
From those who seek my sad Disgrace,
So causeless, to procure.
VIII.
Remember, Lord, this Mrs. Jewkes,
When with a mighty Sound,
She cries, Down with her Chastity,
Down to the very Ground!
IX.
Ev’n so shalt thou, O wicked One,
At length to Shame be brought;
And happy shall all those be call’d
That my Deliv’rance wrought.
X.
Yea, blessed shall the Man be call’d
That shames thee of thy Evil,
And saves me from thy vile Attempts,
And thee, too, from the D---l.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
I Write now with a little more Liking, tho’ less Opportunity, because Mr. Williams has got a large Parcel of my Papers safe, in his Hands, to send them to you, as he has Opportunity; so I am not quite uselessly employ’d; and I am deliver’d, besides, from the Fear of their being found, if I should be search’d, or discover’d. I have been permitted to take an Airing five or six Miles, with Mrs. Jewkes: But, tho’ I know not the Reason, she watches me more closely than ever; so that we have discontinued, by Consent, for these three Days, the Sun-flower Correspondence.
The poor Cook-maid has had a bad Mischance; for she has been hurt much by a Bull in the Pasture, by the Side of the Garden, not far from the Back-door. Now this Pasture I am to cross, which is about half a Mile, and then comes to a Common, and near that a private Horse-road, where I hope to find an Opportunity for escaping, as soon as Mr. Williams can get me a Horse, and has made all ready for me: For he has got me the Key, which he put under the Mould, just by the Door, as he found an Opportunity to hint to me.
He just now has signify’d, that the Gentleman is dead, whose Living he has had Hope of, and he came pretendedly to tell Mrs. Jewkes of it, and so could speak this to her, before me. She wish’d him Joy; see what the World is! one Man’s Death is another Man’s Joy: Thus we thrust out one another!—My hard Case makes me serious. He found means to slide a Letter into my Hands, and is gone away: He look’d at me with such Respect and Solemnness at Parting, that Mrs. Jewkes said, Why, Madam, I believe our young Parson is half in Love with you—Ah! Mrs. Jewkes, said I, he knows better. Said she, (I believe to sound me) Why I can’t see you can either of you do better; and I have lately been so touch’d for you, seeing how heavily you apprehend Dishonour from my Master, that I think it is Pity you should not have Mr. Williams.
I knew this must be a Fetch of hers, because, instead of being troubled for me, she had watched me closer, and him too; and so I said, There is not the Man living, that I desire to marry; if I can but keep myself honest, it is all my Desire; and to be a Comfort and Assistance to my poor Parents, if it should be my happy Lot to be so, is the very Top of my Ambition. Well, but, said she, I have been thinking very seriously, that Mr. Williams would make you a good Husband, and as he will owe all his Fortune to my Master, he will be very glad, to be sure, to be oblig’d to him for a Wife of his chusing: Especially, said she, such a pretty one, and one so ingenious and genteelly educated.
This gave me a Doubt, whether she knew of my Master’s Intimation of that sort formerly; and I asked her, if she had Reason to surmize, that that was in View? No, she said; it was only her own Thought; but it was very likely that my Master had either that in View, or something better for me. But, if I approv’d of it, she would propose such a thing to her Master directly; and gave a detestable Hint, that I might take Resolutions upon it, of bringing such an Affair to Effect. I told her, I abhorr’d her Insinuation; and as to Mr. Williams, I thought him a civil good sort of Man; but as on one side, he was above me; so on the other, of all Things, I did not love a Parson. So finding she could make nothing of me, she quitted the Subject.
I will open his Letter by-and-by, and give you the Contents of it; for she is up and down, so much, that I am afraid of her catching me.
Well, I see Providence has not abandon’d me. I shall be under no Necessity to make Advances to Mr. Williams, if I was, as I am sure I am not, dispos’d to it. This is his Letter.
I Know not how to express myself, lest I should appear to you to have a selfish View in the Service I would do you. But I really know but one effectual and honourable Way to disengage yourself, from the dangerous Situation you are in. It is that of Marriage with some Person that you could make happy in your Approbation. As for my own part, it would be, as Things stand, my apparent Ruin; and, worse still, I should involve you in Misery too. But yet, so great is my Veneration for you, and so intire my Reliance in Providence, on so just an Occasion, that I should think myself but too happy, if I might be accepted. I would, in this Case, forego all my Expectations, and be your Conductor to some safe Distance. But why do I say, in this Case? That I will do, whether you think fit to reward me so eminently or not. And I will, the Moment I hear of the ’Squire’s setting out, (and I think now I have settled a very good Method of Intelligence of all his Motions) get the Horse ready, and myself to conduct you. I refer myself wholly to your Goodness and Direction, and am, with the highest Respect,
Your most faithful humble Servant.
Don’t think this a sudden Resolution. I always admir’d your hearsay Character; and the Moment I saw you, wish’d to serve so much Excellence.
What shall I say, my dear Father and Mother, to this unexpected Declaration? I want now more than ever your Blessing and Direction. But after all, I have no Mind to marry. I had rather live with you. But yet, I would marry a Man who begs from Door to Door, and has no Home nor Being, rather than indanger my Honesty. Yet, I cannot, methinks, hear of being a Wife.—After a thousand different Thoughts, I wrote as follows.
Reverend Sir,
I Am much confused at the Contents of your last. You are much too generous, and I can’t bear you should risque all your future Prospects for so unworthy a Creature. I cannot think of your Offer without equal Concern and Gratitude; for nothing but to avoid my utter Ruin can make me think of a Change of Condition; and so, Sir, you ought not to accept of such an involuntary Compliance, as mine would be, were I, upon the last Necessity, to yield to your very generous Proposal. I will rely wholly upon your Goodness to me, in assisting my Escape; but shall not, on your account principally, think of the Honour you propose for me, at present; and never, but at the Pleasure of my Parents, who, poor as they are, in such a weighty Point, are as much intitled to my Obedience and Duty, as if they were ever so rich. I beg you therefore, Sir, not to think of any thing from me, but everlasting Gratitude, which will always bind me to be
Your most obliged Servant.
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, the 14th, 15th, and 16th of my Bondage.
Mrs.Jewkes has received a Letter, and is much civiller to me, and Mr. Williams too, than she used to be. I wonder I have not one in Answer to mine to my Master. I suppose I press’d the Matter too home to him; and he is angry. I am not the more pleas’d for her Civility; for she is horrid cunning, and is not a bit less watchful. I laid a Trap to get at her Instructions, which she carries in the Bosom of her Stays, but it has not succeeded.
My last Letter is come safe to Mr. Williams, by the old Conveyance, so that is not suspected. He has intimated, that tho’ I have not come so readily as he hop’d into his Scheme, yet his Diligence shall not be slacken’d, and he will leave it to Providence and myself, to dispose of him as he shall be found to deserve. He has signify’d to me, that he shall soon send a special Messenger with the Pacquet to you, and I have added to it what has occurr’d since.
13.) In the eighth edition, published posthumously in 1801, the location is spelled out as Brandon-Hall. This suggests Mr. B's surname, as well.