Ara Kaur

EARTHGANG

Maternal Narcissism Loop

Daughter attempts to get mother to understand/empathize with her —>

Narcissistic mother sees it as personal attack and lack of control —>

Daughter is punished, silent treatment, gaslighting, criticizes, acts like victim —>

Punishment causes daughter to continuously seek mother’s love and approval

I never wanted to be the mother that was my mother, growing up

September 18, 2025

Today on the news, a 19-year-old white teen got a flesh-eating bacterium from leftover Chinese food. With that, he had to get his fingers and legs amputated. We are being poisoned, it’s in our water or maybe it’s in our food. In 2025, it is illegal to raise questions about our food or water because it’s controlled by Evil Corp, I mean E Corp. Doctors don’t care and blood tests reveal your identity when you are not white and that can put you in danger. Today is my 18^th birthday and it’s time for me to pack my bags because Earth is no longer safe because the white suit I wear to pass as a white person stops working after I turn 18. I must join my family on Mars now and despite my love for my independence on Earth, it is not worth risking my safety. My parents allowed me to live on Earth alone only if I kept my white costume on. My mom expected me to even wear it when I went to sleep because she feared I would be targeted. My parents took the responsibility to make sure my suit fit and that I did not raise any suspicion, so I never left my house unless it was for the bare necessity. I did not mind being alone because I did not have to deal with my mom’s talking back and her forcing me to pray even though we have nothing left to pray for.

The last time black people lived on Earth openly and free was in 2002 before Earth changed and became unsuitable to live in. 2003 was a year filled with a violent race war between white and black people and no other races wanted to step in to defend anyone. Asian people turned their backs and then the Middle eastern people followed because they didn’t want to become a target. My parents talk about the nice 80-year-old black grandma known as Sweetie Pie who lived in the house across from ours. On one unnaturally warm November night, she decided to keep her windows open to let some air in. She was robbed and then murdered by three teenage white boys from the town over who were playing hooky. She lived alone for the past 4 years because her husband passed away from stage 4 lung cancer. After working in the mines for 25 years, he developed this persistent cough that just wouldn’t budge, and doctors would tell him to take some cough medicine and it would go away. That was the issue, the doctors never took us seriously because they believed that we were more resilient to pain. It is as if they believed our DNA wired us this way until it was too late. During my parent’s time, they didn’t have all this new technology that could allow them to hide their blackness and part of me believes that they wouldn’t have trusted that technology anyways.

When Grandma Sweetie Pie was robbed, they didn’t take anything because they thought they would turn black from owning an item owned by a black person. Our towns were so divided where we did not have a single white person in my neighborhood and black people knew better than to hang out the white dominated area, one town over. In the white town over the bridge, Bacon Level had other people of color, but no one was black. There was so much intermixing going on between nonblack people of color and white people that the population of America grew to be white and Asian dominated.

I have that same recurring dream or nightmare, whatever you want to call it. I was being chased into the woods and I recognized the place but every time I tried to search it up on google maps, it would not show up. I can never tell who is chasing me or if I am chasing them but every time I have this dream, I would wake up on the other side of my room. Thank God for tinted windows being normalized for the home because I am sure I would have the police called on me if anyone saw. It feels as if something possessed me and was controlling my body for me. I rack my brain trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Is there something special about being black that threatens the white people on Earth? What does it say about me if my first instinct is to blame myself? I wonder if I will have this dream when I live with my parents on Mars or is this dream and out of body weird shit have to do with me being on Earth.

I do not want to go to live on Mars because being away from my family this long, I have had a lot of time to think and reflect. My toxic environment is wherever my mother was and I have no doubt in my mind that I love my mom but her love is so conditional. I don’t know why she is so overbearing and her love so conditional? The standards my parents have makes it difficult to live the way I want to.