Loosen Up! On Embracing Compassionate Masculinities in the Classroom

We have chosen a profession, which—like parenting—requires that our comforts come second to those of children

—Jamilah Pitts, “Don’t Say Nothing”

I was about to begin by stating that this text would focus on three main claims. First, that certain aspects of masculinity relate to an idea of discipline and rigor rather common in academia. Second, that being a parent has profoundly changed me and my masculinity. Finally, that modifying our masculinities can help male teachers modify our teaching and our thoughts in respect to rigor, discipline, hard-work, and so on, benefiting our teaching and, what is more, our students. The text will in fact try to revolve around those topics, but I don’t want to simply write about them in an academic fashion. Since my parenting experiences are key in all this, I think that the best way to tackle the task is by doing it hand-in-hand with Leo, my son.

There’s a podcast by NPR, Terrestrials, that Leo and I listen to on our way home from school. One day, in jam-packed traffic on the Verrazano Bridge, we listened to an episode on sloths. Zoologist Lucy Cooke explained stuff that kept us in awe: did you know that sloths are slow because they eat low-energy–loaded leaves; or that they are hardly caught by predators because they host five species of molds and other animals in their fur that help them camouflage in the wilderness? But it was her conclusion about the connection between sloths and humans that stuck out to me: “The biggest thing for sloths today is humans: we want to have nice views and we don’t want the trees in the way, so we cut them down even though the sloths are living in them.” This image of progress through construction is so powerful, for it unfolds a field commonly associated with brawny men: their desire to bulldoze through life. “[Sloths] make you look at the world differently; they made me slow down and stop rushing around. We want everything now. We want to order something online and we want it to arrive immediately. We want AI to tell us now! We could all do with channeling around a sloth, an animal that is rebelliously slow.”1 While listening to this, I tell Leo about this piece and that I am going to use these reflections. “Why?” he naturally asked. “‘Cuz sloths and you are the same.” “Why?” “‘Cuz both are radically different from adults.” “Why?” “‘Cuz you live at a different, more interesting, speed.” And the list of whys goes on and on.

As PhD students know very well, being in academia is synonymous with living like all those people pointed out by Cooke: under a specific sort of pressure, we scholars need everything to get done well and quickly! Not only does one have to work a lot, as many do, but we must keep a high momentum for a long time. It is expected that one reads everything in one’s field, publishes articles, presents at conferences, and delivers high-quality instruction. And if one is, at the same time, pursuing a doctorate degree, you would need to add on presenting oral exams, taking courses, writing end-of-semester papers, preparing the dissertation proposal, and undertaking a dissertation defense. And, if you happen to be a parent, add trying to care for a child at your best.

Among the many conceptions of masculinity, R. W. Connell’s affirms that masculinity “is built on the conception of individuality” and adds that “it is also inherently relational. Masculinity does not exist except in contrast with femininity.”2 But the question that remains is: What makes a person masculine, not feminine? As Connell says, “an unmasculine person would behave differently: being peaceable rather than violent, conciliatory rather than dominating, hardly able to kick a football, uninterested in sexual conquest, and so forth.”3

It is best to think of what some scholars have researched on the relation between masculinities and pedagogy, or masculinities and teaching more broadly. John Wayne Martino, in an article about the dearth of male teachers in elementary schools in Canada, analyzes that male teachers are rather uncommon at that school level, for this type of work has been feminized.4 He explains, “the effects of a regime of culture of hegemonic masculinity and gender normalization … contributes to the decline of male teachers.”5 What I claim is that those hegemonic masculinities have flourished in higher education, as this is deemed the place where rigor, discipline, intellectual work, and the like should purportedly be carried out.

The practice of this type of masculinity in combination with teaching, as Kenway and Fitzclarence explain, is a “poisonous pedagogy”:6 a pain inflicted on to learners under the guise of rigorous academic practices. This leads them to affirm what follows, which looks like a manifesto:

If schools implicitly subscribe to and endorse hegemonic versions of masculinity, particularly in their more exaggerated forms, then they are complicit in the production of violence. If they fear “the feminine” and avoid and discourage empathetic, compassionate, nurturant and affiliative behaviors and emotional responsibility and instead favor heavy-handed discipline and control then they are complicit. If they seek to operate only at the level of rationality and if they rationalize violence, then they are complicit.7

We can put Connell’s, Martino’s, and Keenway’s and Fitzclarence’s accounts together to get a sense of what is at stake. If a hegemonic masculinity is what holds up violent behaviors, such as cutting down trees where sloths live or making students feel unsafe, getting rid of those masculinities should be a task of the utmost importance at all levels in education.

My dad passed away on Friday, January 24th, 2025. To be able to cope with the sorrow that his sudden death brought to me, I went to therapy. Thinking of his soft, never rigid, masculinity was, no doubt, one of the main reflections I got in those weeks. The reason why my therapy took such a path is that I am also a dad and, as a dad, I am always questioning—should I say criticizing?—my own parenting. Months later, although therapy had come to an end, reading and listening to stuff related to grief became important. It was around that time that I attended a conference in San Francisco. I remember very well that one morning I went for a run to the shore to see the beautiful spectacle of dozens of sea lions lying down on the piers and broke into tears. The reason why I ended up weeping at seeing them was less their beauty than the podcast I had been listening to while running. The interviewee, Terry Real, a psychoanalyst of Hollywood stars, underscored the importance for men to embrace at least a little what he simply called “loosening up. ”8 That is, setting aside the stiffness commonly associated with hegemonic (and fragile, right?) masculinities, and just easing up.

It was in December 2024, over one of our last phone calls, when I had the opportunity to tell my dad how much I admired him for his bonhomie, a quality that made him appreciated by many. In hindsight, what I really meant was that I was grateful to him for never spanking me despite my devilishness over the years, for his ability to naturally cool down even in the most heated moments, and, in sum, for what many—myself included for many years—could deem as weakness: not being macho, never raising his voice at people, maturely coming to terms with many unchangeable aspects of life, being genuinely happy with tiny little things from the everyday. I am grateful to him, for I had the opportunity to see him crying several times.

In the podcast episode, Terry Real likewise recalled a moving moment with his own father “As he was crying, I put my hand on his shoulder and said, ‘You cry, old man. Every tear you cry is a tear I don’t have to.’”9 I listened to these words as I approached San Francisco’s Pier 39, where the sea lions sprawled. Rather than curing me from crying, to see my dad being vulnerable has taught me to be vulnerable myself and, therefore, teach it to my son.

What Martino, Kenway, Fitzclarence, Real—and others, I am quite sure—refer to is loosening up, isn’t it?

Since my son was born, I have reflected a lot about my masculinity and what type of dad and man I want to be for him. Kids learn so much from their parents—just as students learn from their teachers. I never bumped into a sudden epiphany, radically transforming my view about masculinities and academia. It has been a rather slow and dilated process of one realization after another: the fact that it is a process that had to happen bit by bit reflects a type of smooth, soft, masculinity, just like the sloths that Leo is into, no? All these profoundly moving events that have changed my masculinity are now present in my classroom too. For instance, some topics in my curriculum directly address the vulnerability of men, and moreover, a deep sense of compassion with students occupies a key part of my teaching. And although I have always practiced compassion and empathy with my students, being a parent and entering into a process of reflection after my dad’s passing has certainly accelerated and deepened my work on my teaching to meet different standards: seeing my students as whole individuals who, as anyone, may also find themselves reckoning with difficult topics, juggling many duties, being parents, or, like myself, mourning a beloved one.

As Pedro Cabello has shared in “Caring for Teaching, Teaching with Care,” a piece on parenting and teaching triggered by a 2023 Teaching and Learning Center digital conversation among parents, “Parenting has renewed our relationship to teaching. It has led us to be more patient, accepting, and flexible.” Not only do I endorse this observation, but his conclusion as well, where he notes that the participants “have learned from interacting with our kids the value of offering respectful accompaniment, to accept failure as part of the process, to provide multiple paths for learning, and to not demand immediate comprehension.”10 I couldn’t agree more. And yet, what I’d like to emphasize is that the range of compassion-centered pedagogic tools we can bring to the classroom are meaningless if we male teachers don’t, first, deeply and sincerely, embrace compassion as one of the most important elements in our teaching.

Loosening up, by definition, entails slowing down—like the sloths—to expand, to amplify. For male teachers in higher education who undergo different pressures, this constellation of concepts must be read hand in hand with the way our masculinity flows into our academic practices. This I’ve learned from Professors Sarah Pollack, Oswaldo Zavala, and Ignacio Sánchez-Prado, who without sacrificing the quality of their work have also managed to demystify the fixation on rigor in academia and show us that we can do something like writing consequential books and articles while, say, chilling on Facebook. Thus, slowing down, expanding, and amplifying our perspectives on our work is the prerequisite to be able to embrace more empathetic, generous, and ultimately humane pedagogical approaches. Personally, I’ve learned the latter from doing research, preparing classes, or writing pieces like this one while playing LEGOs with my son. Moreover, I’ve learned to be okay with setting aside whatever I am working on to prioritize Leo’s curiosity, his deep questions, and his complicated thoughts. A similar process has happened to me when it comes to the classroom, where accommodating students’ needs is an opportunity to know them better and, having such deepened knowledge, to design the types of lessons and adopt the types of pedagogical strategies that better serve them.

In Jamilah Pitts’s poignant article about the rampant racism in US classrooms, she argues, “We have chosen a profession, which—like parenting— requires that our comforts come second to those of children.”11 To me, gradually but steadily, the latter has translated into not only adopting empathy- and compassion-based teaching, but going beyond what is expected from me as a teacher. I like to get into trouble and play with ungrading where I can, being as flexible as possible with my assessments and opening up the syllabus for students to add topics that interest them. I’ve also made my classes OER (Open Educational Resources), so not only do I make sure my students don’t need to pay a cent for class texts, but I also teach what I really believe is meaningful and urgent: US-backed violence, indigenous cultural production, Latin American feminism, and how to come together to take apart toxic masculinities.

If at a personal level, paraphrasing Terry Real, we men should loosen up to be capable of deeply and sincerely relating to our loved ones, then in a social place like the classroom, we men scholars should be able to, like a sloth, slow down and loosen up to embrace compassion that would make our classrooms spaces where students who need extra attention—emotional, material, or intellectual—can learn what we firmly believe is important and urgent.

About the Author

Luis Escamilla Frias (PhD Candidate, Latin American, Iberian, and Latino Cultures)

Luis Escamilla Frias (he/him) is a PhD Candidate at the Program in Latin American, Iberian, and Latino Cultures (The Graduate Center, CUNY) and an adjunct at Brooklyn College and College of Staten Island. His main academic interests revolve around Latin American and Mexican literatures and cinema, neoliberalism, state-driven violence, and contemporary Indigenous-, women- and young-men-led resistance movements in Mexico.

What is the best piece of parenting advice you’ve received?

Be the parent you want to be.

What is the worst piece of parenting advice you’ve received?

“Let him cry,” when my son was a baby, and he couldn’t help but cry.

What is the best piece of teaching advice you’ve received?

Nothing of what occurs in the classroom is innocent; everything is political.

What advice do you want to offer Graduate Center student-teachers who are thinking about parenthood?

Do it only if you are 1000% sure. If not, don’t do it. This is the most important decision of your life.

What advice do you want to offer all Graduate Center student-teachers?

You guys, loosen up. If you are going through something, they are going through something more acute, for sure. So, loosen up!

Notes

1. Lulu Miller and Allan Goffinski, Terrestrials, “The Slowpoke: How Sloths Grow Invisibility,” Podcast, Radiolab, December 18, 2025, 34 min., 28sec., https://open.spotify.com/episode/7AJPoLLv7h3L6hmO1udt51?si=c84257b2a72c455f. ↑
2. R. W. Connell, Masculinities (University of California Press, 2005), 68. ↑
3. Connell, Masculinities, 67. ↑
4. John Wayne Martino, “Male Teachers as Role Models: Addressing Issues of Masculinity, Pedagogy and the Re-Masculinization of Schooling,” Curriculum Inquiry, 38, no. 4, (2008): 190. ↑
5. Martino, “Male Teachers,” 190. ↑
6. Jane Kenway and Lindsay Fitzclarence, “Masculinity, Violence and Schooling: Challenging ‘Poisonous Pedagogies,’” Gender & Education 9, no. 1 (1997): par. 14. ↑
7. Jane Kenway and Lindsay Fitzclarence, “Masculinity,” par. 39. ↑
8. Anna Martin, Modern Love, “Why Boys and Men Are Floundering, According to Therapist Terry Real,” Podcast, New York Times, May 25, 2025, 37min. 9sec., https://open.spotify.com/episode/7fwTKoRqj047hI5SNISxyK?si=52e5d453f9bd4c31. ↑
9. Martin, “Why Boys.” ↑
10. Pedro Cabello del Moral, “Caring for Teaching, Teaching with Care: A Positive and Supporting Salute to Student-Parents,” Visible Pedagogy: a Teach@CUNY Project, CUNY Graduate Center, December 14, 2024, https://vp.commons.gc.cuny.edu/2023/12/14/caring-for-teaching-teaching-with-care-a-positive-and-supporting-solute-to-student-parents/. ↑
11. Jamilah Pitts, “Don’t Say Nothing,” in Teaching When the World Is on Fire, ed. Lisa Delpit (The New Press, 2019): 81–85. ↑

Bibliography

Cabello del Moral, Pedro. “Caring for Teaching, Teaching with Care: A Positive and Supporting Salute to Student-Parents.” Visible Pedagogy: a Teach@CUNY Project. CUNY Graduate Center, December 14, 2024. Accessed April 12, 2026. https://vp.commons.gc.cuny.edu/2023/12/14/caring-for-teaching-teaching-with-care-a-positive-and-supporting-solute-to-student-parents/.

Connell, R. W. Masculinities. University of California Press, 2005.

Kenway, Jane and Lindsay Fitzclarence. “Masculinity, Violence and Schooling: Challenging ‘Poisonous Pedagogies.’” Gender & Education 9, no. 1 (1997): 117–134.

Martin, Anna. Modern Love. “Why Boys and Men Are Floundering, According to Therapist Terry Real.” New York Times, May 25, 2025. Podcast, MP3 audio, 37 min., 9sec. https://open.spotify.com/episode/7fwTKoRqj047hI5SNISxyK?si=52e5d453f9bd4c31.

Martino, John Wayne. “Male Teachers as Role Models: Addressing Issues of Masculinity, Pedagogy and the Re-Masculinization of Schooling.” Curriculum Inquiry 38, no. 4 (2008): 189–223.

Miller, Lulu and Allan Goffinski. Terrestrials. “The Slowpoke: How Sloths Grow Invisibility.” Radiolab, December 18, 2025. Podcast, MP3 audio, 34 min., 28 sec., https://open.spotify.com/episode/7AJPoLLv7h3L6hmO1udt51?si=c84257b2a72c455f.

Pitts, Jamilah. “Don’t Say Nothing.” In Teaching When the World Is on Fire, edited by Lisa Delpit. The New Press, 2019.

Seiwell, Justin. (A)theist Podcast. “Culture as Refuge with Dr. Ignacio Sanchez-Prado.” Trend Media, November 18, 2024. Podcast, MP3 audio, 61 min., 31 sec. https://open.spotify.com/episode/7MhB217F5TDbaBYFQ405OE?si=56d85f52f0df4c1c.

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