Parent/Student/Teacher: Relational Pedagogy and Navigating Multiple Roles

Despite the diverse backgrounds and lived experiences of students who enter higher education, these spaces are not always accessible or welcoming to everyone. Student-parents are one example of the many groups who face additional hurdles when pursuing higher education, including juggling unexpected family emergencies, managing financial stressors (such as high childcare costs in addition to paying for higher education), and navigating time conflicts (finding time to engage in academic work while also needing to provide physical and emotional caregiving) that often compete with school demands. Students pursuing higher education who also happen to be parents have unique needs and are worthy of greater attention and support. As of 2020, approximately 18% of college students were parenting a child while pursuing an undergraduate degree.1 Student parents are more likely to be women (74%) and more likely to identify as students of color (55%).2 Unless a student chooses to share this part of themselves, it is unlikely that we as educators will know this part of a student’s life. However, there is a great deal we can do to educate ourselves and engage in better practices.

Parenting and teaching are both inherently relational. While the relationships between parent and child are distinct from teacher and student (and vice versa), the relational aspects between both pairings offer opportunities for important reflections that can support more meaningful scholastic experiences. In academic settings, stronger positive relational experiences can have important impacts for students, strengthening a felt sense of belonging in the classroom. Utilizing relational pedagogy as a theoretical grounding for this essay, I draw upon my own experiences as a parent, student, and teacher to explore how we might engage in more critically minded, supportive, and meaningful pedagogical practices in higher education, particularly for student-parents. By doing so, my hope is that higher education can be a more sustainable reality for parenting-students and contribute to the diversity of lived experience in academia. When we as community members within higher education explicitly engage in practices to reduce barriers that marginalize people, we engage in creating a new reality for higher education. This helps not just open learning spaces that are more welcoming, but also build environments that people can see themselves in—that they can actively participate in as their authentic selves, and not just survive, but flourish in.

As a theory, relational pedagogy centers the importance of the relational processes in education.3 Rather than seeing teachers as purely knowledge givers and students as knowledge receivers, relational pedagogy is grounded in the importance of connection and knowledge building between two entities. Karen Gravett, Carol Taylor, and Nikki Fairchild describe how “relational pedagogies position meaningful relationships as fundamental to effective learning and teaching and explore ways of fostering connections, authenticity and responsiveness.”4 Many argue relational pedagogy is an important source for creating greater equity and strengthening a sense of belonging in learning environments and the broader world through dialogue when it centers respect and understanding.5 For me, relational pedagogy has served as a unique way to learn from the three roles of parent, student, and teacher I navigate, and helped me find ways of honoring relational aspects across them.

I was a parent before I started my doctoral program. The relational aspect of child and parent may seem obvious, but it is deeply complex, ever evolving, and completely unique to each parent and child. There is a quote attributed to Albert Einstein that is often used to describe doctoral education, but I think applies to parenting as well: “the more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.” Just as I feel like I’m understanding my child’s current developmental milestones, she grows into a new one, and I feel I am once again in uncharted territory. This constant evolution and development can be incredibly challenging as a parent, but it also has allowed me to strengthen my ability to approach newness with curiosity. Being curious is not something that necessarily comes naturally to me, but rather something I have to intentionally practice and engage. However, when I do, particularly as a parent, being curious with my child often allows for dialogue, promotes problem-solving, and reminds me that we can learn together. I’m not advocating for some sort of parenting approach that is solely based on inquisitiveness without any sort of guidance from my end. Rather, being a parent has opened my eyes up to how being curious in certain moments supports positive relational engagement and thus has strengthened my ability to be more curious as a student and as a teacher as well.

I had been a parent for 5 years by the time I started my doctoral program. All of my previous student experience had been before I had children, so starting a doctoral program as a parent was new territory for me. I was nervous, to say the least, about navigating these multiple roles. How would I dedicate time to being present for my child while also embarking on a demanding multi-year academic commitment? Would graduate school prevent me from being the parent I wanted to be? Would being a parent interfere with my doctoral program? One important way that I found connection was through my department’s peer mentoring program. All incoming students in my department were offered a peer mentor, someone who had already completed at least one or two years of academic work in our program. I was able to request and be matched with a mentor who was also a parent, a lived experience which was important to me. My academic department signaled to me that lived experience across many dimensions matter, and while my peer mentor and I were not carbon copies of one another, I had the opportunity to hear and speak honestly with someone who had navigated many of the questions I had about being both a parent and student. My mentor shared what worked for them and validated my questions and fears. Peer mentoring does not remove the logistical hardships of being both student and parent, but it offered me connection and space to start building community.

Early into my first semester as a doctoral student, my daughter became sick and had to miss school for multiple days. I immediately felt tension between my roles as caregiver and as student. I needed to stay home with my daughter and provide care for her as she got better but I also felt a responsibility to my studies and worried that I might turn in subpar work. It was the first time I requested an extension for a paper and I worried that my professors would think I wasn’t taking my doctoral work seriously. I worried I might be penalized for requesting additional time and needing to miss class to care for my daughter. While I know this is not always the case, fortunately in this scenario I had professors who helped me feel comfortable enough to share my situation and who treated me with respect and understanding. One common experience I had across many of my professors that semester was that each one, in their own way, found ways to share thoughtful aspects of who they were as people to us as students. They didn’t overshare or dump their personal lives onto us, but rather they shared thoughtful details about aspects of their identity that intersected with their roles as educators. This came in many forms including sharing if they were caregivers and had to plan for a particular scheduling conflict that interfered with a particular class event, or if they had a family member navigating a health need and therefore needed to take certain precautions when teaching in-person. Sharing authentic humanity in the class was crucial, and this was particularly helpful for me as a student navigating these situations as they arose. It allowed me to commit to a willingness to engage relationally for the purpose of navigating the interactions of our roles as students, educators, and human beings outside of these settings.

After I completed my first year of doctoral coursework, I began teaching as an adjunct instructor to graduate students. I was now navigating my roles as parent, student, and teacher, and found that some of my students were themselves parents. Each student enters our classes with unique identities, experiences, and goals. While my role as educator is different from parent and student, my experiences in these roles have led me to engage in relational practices that I hope support learning for all students. One element that I have found as important groundwork for relationship building is space for students and instructors to get to know one another and to have opportunities to discuss the culture and values of the learning community. When undertaken thoughtfully, I think these steps can be important for laying the groundwork for relational pedagogy. These opportunities offer educators to model sharing practices and offer students opportunities to connect with others by learning about peers and instructors as complex people (such as if someone chooses to share that they are a parent which is often something I offer about myself).

With regards to class culture and values, I ask students to think about a question that elicits important reflections on the class learning space such as: How can we cultivate a shared learning environment that embraces different perspectives and viewpoints, while also engaging responsibly and respectfully? This is an imperfect question and can be edited in numerous ways, but I use some version of it as a way of having students reflect on independently and in small groups, and then have them share back to the class about how we can support such a learning environment. Relational pedagogy has also been helpful for me in navigating my approach when challenges arise for students, such as if a student requests an extension or has an unexpected family emergency. I try to be clear and explicit from the beginning of the class about my policies for questions and discussions related to extensions, shifting deadlines, and communicating about circumstances that may require flexibility. For example, making contingency plans with students is an opportunity to work together with a student and be proactive. Students who are pregnant, expecting a birth, or adopting, for instance, may experience a transition to parenthood while in class. If students anticipate a large change (such as the birth of a child) may occur, I offer to meet with the student and create a plan together about what shifts regarding dates and assignments we can arrange ahead of time. These contingency plans provide students and me as the instructor with an opportunity to create the plan together, and to create clarity so that when the event occurs, we feel more prepared. These situations do not always occur as planned of course, and we cannot anticipate every situation. However, communicating with students that we have the option to approach anticipated events with care and attentiveness together can support student learning. Through a relational pedagogy lens, while the specific policy may vary across educators and classes, what matters is the relational approach—how these policies are communicated.

While student parents are just one particular lived experience that I explore here, relational pedagogy provides a thoughtful starting place to consider the importance of lived experience for all students. Supporting safer and more equitable learning spaces is essential, and yet there is no guarantee that a student will feel comfortable enough to reach out to a professor or academic institution to request support. Teaching and institutional practices that are grounded in compassion and a willingness to understand situations students may be navigating are crucial parts of making higher education more accessible to student-parents (and students in general, regardless of their parenting status). As educators, we have an important role to play in supporting students, particularly across the many hurdles they navigate. However, educators need support too. While I have focused mainly on how relational pedagogy is one important tool for reflecting on being a parent, student, and educator, I do also think about how parents, students, and teachers are also in relationship with our academic institutions. Student-parents are just one tiny part of student populations faced with a much larger challenge of increasing equity and belonging in academia, and yet their unique experiences offer institutions—and us as educators—important reminders of how attending to relational aspects of teaching and learning can support more equitable educational practices.

About the Author

Victoria Murray (PhD Candidate, Social Welfare)

Victoria Murray (she/her) is a PhD candidate in the department of Social Welfare at The Graduate Center at CUNY. Her research focuses on the intersection of higher education, parenting, and policy, particularly in Master’s in Social Work education. She is a licensed certified social worker and adjunct instructor at The Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College.

What is the best piece of parenting advice you’ve received?

Trust yourself and find others you can trust to build your community of support for you as a parent as well as for your kids.

What is the worst piece of parenting advice you’ve received?

“Don’t worry so much!” This is often well intentioned but worrying is a part of parenting and usually as parents—particularly when we are new parents with very little sleep—we need people to listen and affirm.

What is the best piece of teaching advice you’ve received?

Boundaries around time and energy matter. This has helped me provide clarity for myself and students about when they can expect to receive responses from me, allowing students to know how and when to schedule office hours, and provided some structure around when I am (and am not) checking my email, which can go a long way for students and teachers.

What advice do you want to offer Graduate Center student-teachers who are thinking about parenthood?

I do think the adage that “there is never a perfect time to become a parent” is absolutely true, and becoming a parent is also not always planned. If you are thinking of becoming, or are becoming a parent, connecting with others who are parents, building community, and accepting support has been really helpful for me. The GC’s Wellness Center is a great space for support. Also, becoming a parent will shift your work, your outlook, and your experience in unexpected ways. Parenting has helped me learn how to prioritize, set boundaries, and advocate more for myself.

What advice do you want to offer all Graduate Center student-teachers?

Find ways of bringing your unique voice and persona into your teaching. We each have our own experiences and approaches, and finding your voice is a part of that process. Ask questions, be open to growth, and be kind to yourself.