206. ‘S’i ’l dissi mai, ch’i’ vegna in odio a quella’

If I ever said so, may I be held to scorn by her

by whom love lives, and without whom I’d die:

if I said so, let my days be few and harsh,

and my poor soul bound in vile slavery:

if I said so, let ever star oppose me,

and Fear and Jealousy

be always at my side

and my enemy

always fiercer towards me and more lovely.

If I said so, may Love spend all his golden

arrows on me, and his lead ones on her:

if I said so, let heaven and earth, men and gods

oppose me, and she become more cruel:

if I said so, let her with her blind torch

who sends me straight to death,

be as she always was,

nor ever show me more

sweetness or pity, in actions or speech.

If I ever said so, let me find this short

bitter path full of what I least desire:

if I said so, let the fierce ardour that delays me

grow in me just as much as hard ice in her:

if I said so, may my eyes never see

the bright sun, or his sister,

nor girl or woman,

but a dreadful storm

like Pharaoh pursuing the Hebrews.

If I said so, however much I sigh,

let Pity and Courtesy be dead to me:

if I said so, let her speech be harsh, that once

was sweetly heard when she conquered me:

if I said so, let her hate me who I would

alone, shut in a cell,

from the days of childhood

to the freeing of my soul

adore: if I could do so.

But if I did not say so, let her who opened

my heart so sweetly to hope in my young days,

still steer my weary little boat

at the helm of her in-born pity,

nor alter, but be as she was

when I could do nothing

but lose myself

(nor could be more lost).

He does wrong who soon forgets such faith.

I have never said so, nor could say it

for gold or cities or for towers.

Let truth conquer, then, and stay in the saddle

and let falsehood be beaten to the earth.

You know all about me, Love: if she

doesn’t know, say what you must.

I’ll call him blessed,

three, four, six times blessed,

who, called to languish, died first.

I’ve served for Rachel and not for Leah:

and could not endure

to live with any other,

but when the heavens call me could suffer

to ascend with her in Elijah’s chariot.